One Month

I have succeeded in isolating myself. This was not intentional. My intent when moving was to create a better life for my daughter and myself. To be able to make more money to provide better for both of us. To become more independent.

I have only been here a month. In this first month I have done better in some things and still struggle with others. I know growth takes time. I have no patience. That is one of my many problems.

I want it now.

I see others succeeding and doing well. I know in my heart they worked hard and deserve the rewards of their hard work, but I find it hard to be happy for them like I should. It's not that I am not happy for them, it is that I am jealous of them.

I know, jealousy is horrible. I just can't see the big picture for myself.

I have too much idle time on my hands. I work nights and sleep during the day. There are times that I am by myself with nothing to do.

I tell myself to get up and exercise. To use this time wisely. Meditate, pray, do something! Instead, I sit and think of how hard it is to exercise and control what I eat.

I don't know how to meditate or pray without being selfish.

I am not struggling. We are in a good place. We are doing better.

Time, just all this idle time is driving me crazy!!!!!! Why can't I be happy?!?

Too much self-idolization. Too much self-doubt. Too much alone time.

No energy to do anything.

To be continued...