Last night I had a dream that I had died, but everyone could still hear my voice. I talked to friends and family frantically trying to figure out what to do. It was like I was still myself, but I was out of my body.
Where was heaven? Where was hell?
I was in a classroom when it happen, but it didn't feel like school. It felt like trivia night at a local pub. The question had us write out an equation. My equation was 70 + -30 = 40. Then I slumped forward and that was it. I was dead.
Math killed me? Slightly funny, yes, but what an uneventful death. I began asking everyone around me if they could hear me. They said yes. At first I was stuck on the answer to my equation telling everyone the answer was 40.
Then I asked someone about my body. I asked if I was slumped over the table and they said yes. Then somehow I knocked my body backwards onto the floor where my feet were in the seat of the chair, but my back was on the floor. The person asked why I was like that. I told them because I was dead.
I suddenly had the urge to run home or fly or whatever it is that spirits do, but I still felt that I could only run as fast as a unfit human being could run. I was in the foyer of a home now opening the front door to leave when I see my grandmother walking by tidying up. I scream her name. Nana! Then hug her as tightly as I can. I tell her I must get home.
The scene changed. I am still dead and people can still hear me. Just a voice is what I had become. I am in a hotel and see my mother. She keeps telling me to go. To leave. I don't remember every word she spoke, but it broke my heart. I do not believe her words were meant to harm but to nudge me on.
I awoke from this dream very disturbed. Never have I had a dream where I was dead. Nor have I put much thought into my own death. I know it will happen when the Lord decides it is my time to come home, but I do not dwell on it. There is much too much life to be had to think about dying.
I sit here wanting to cry, but for what? My own death? My grandmother's death? I am truly baffled and confused.
I leave this here feeling unsettled and uncomfortable with this dream.
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Monday, September 07, 2015
No time like the present...
I always feel as if I am starting over in life. Something doesn't work out so I start over. It's like a video game over and over again. Failed that level so you select the try again button, right?
Doing the same level over and over again gets very frustrating. I feel that my life is constantly the same level over and over again.
This last time I started over I moved the location that the game is being played 1200 miles. So, clean slate time to improve my game play.
With so much time on my hands right now, I need to be using it wisely. There is no reason why I cannot be exercising during some of my awake hours.
Working nights flip flops everything and makes it more difficult to sort things out and put them in order. Difficult, yes. Impossible, no.
So, I have to set up a meal and workout plan around my work and sleep hours. I work 10 pm to 7 am. My ideal sleep would be from 7:30 am to 3 pm which would be about 7.5 hours. This would allow me from 3 pm to 10 pm to get things done. Clean, shop, exercise, etc.
Now, on to using my time wisely. This has proven to be difficult for me. Idle time between the hours of 3pm and 10 pm causes me to lazily sit upon my duff and watch TV, or peruse social media. Not totally bad things, but too much time taken to do this causes much lethargicness.
Tired, no energy, depression.
So, time to make the conscious decision to get up and do something about it. I don't like being tied to a schedule when it comes to eating. I have tried diets that have you eat certain foods at certain times. Life gets busy and this type of meal planning does not work for me, but I think a rough outline of what I want to accomplish with my life and daily routine would be helpful.
Diet, this is my first challenge. Truthfully, it needs to be a lifestyle change. I need to think of it as not preventing myself from having something I enjoy like sugary desserts, bread, etc. That is why I fall off the wagon.
No, you can't have that...Who likes to be told no? Not me. Instead of telling myself no, I need more options. Although I have not been able to find anything that is better than the taste of a Hershey's Milk Chocolate candy bar. No matter the substitute, there just isn't a taste that compares.
So, I need more variety in my life. More options to choose from. Suggestions of healthy fat burning foods are highly appreciated.
Today is a new day. Rejoice and be glad in it. Begin a new.
Let's try again...(Yoda suddenly pops into my head.)
Do or do not. There is no try.
So, let's DO this again!
Doing the same level over and over again gets very frustrating. I feel that my life is constantly the same level over and over again.
This last time I started over I moved the location that the game is being played 1200 miles. So, clean slate time to improve my game play.
With so much time on my hands right now, I need to be using it wisely. There is no reason why I cannot be exercising during some of my awake hours.
Working nights flip flops everything and makes it more difficult to sort things out and put them in order. Difficult, yes. Impossible, no.
So, I have to set up a meal and workout plan around my work and sleep hours. I work 10 pm to 7 am. My ideal sleep would be from 7:30 am to 3 pm which would be about 7.5 hours. This would allow me from 3 pm to 10 pm to get things done. Clean, shop, exercise, etc.
Now, on to using my time wisely. This has proven to be difficult for me. Idle time between the hours of 3pm and 10 pm causes me to lazily sit upon my duff and watch TV, or peruse social media. Not totally bad things, but too much time taken to do this causes much lethargicness.
Tired, no energy, depression.
So, time to make the conscious decision to get up and do something about it. I don't like being tied to a schedule when it comes to eating. I have tried diets that have you eat certain foods at certain times. Life gets busy and this type of meal planning does not work for me, but I think a rough outline of what I want to accomplish with my life and daily routine would be helpful.
Diet, this is my first challenge. Truthfully, it needs to be a lifestyle change. I need to think of it as not preventing myself from having something I enjoy like sugary desserts, bread, etc. That is why I fall off the wagon.
No, you can't have that...Who likes to be told no? Not me. Instead of telling myself no, I need more options. Although I have not been able to find anything that is better than the taste of a Hershey's Milk Chocolate candy bar. No matter the substitute, there just isn't a taste that compares.
So, I need more variety in my life. More options to choose from. Suggestions of healthy fat burning foods are highly appreciated.
Today is a new day. Rejoice and be glad in it. Begin a new.
Let's try again...(Yoda suddenly pops into my head.)
Do or do not. There is no try.
So, let's DO this again!
Saturday, September 05, 2015
Realizations...
I feel much better today! A shower and a good day's sleep does wonders!
So, I got to thinking after listening to "What do you mean?" the new hit single by Justin Bieber, (Yes, I know. I feel like a total cougar.), how accurate the lyrics are in my life.
While Justin is talking about relationships and how men try to understand women, I look at it from a self point of view.
"When you nod your head yes, but you wanna say no." This speaks to me in volumes! I am the type of person that will say yes or take a gift just so I don't feel like I am being rude or mean to the person asking or giving something to me.
How fake is that of me? I was raised to be kind and understanding, so if someone offers you a gift and you don't take it, well, that is just plain rude! Think about it though, which is worse, taking a gift and regifting it/selling it or just putting it in storage somewhere.
Personally, if I found out I gave a gift to someone and they stuffed it in a closet somewhere or gave it away, I would feel like they didn't have the decency to be honest with me in the first place.
Now, how do you avoid this situation from both ends? Plain rudeness is not the answer. That will get you nowhere and cause hurt feelings.
I think some people buy gifts just to buy gifts. This is the problem. Rather than getting to know someone and what they like, they feel obligated to get a gift because of the occasion.
This is where life comes into play. We all know people. Some are close. Some are not so close. Our circle of friends varies in how much we allow each person to know us and also how much we put into the relationship to get to know the other person.
Am I saying let the whole world in on your life story? No. Believe me, I have skeletons in my closet I hope no one ever finds. Peeing in a bucket is nothing compared to what I have done, but that's for another blog. Thank God technology was not advanced enough to capture it.
The answer for me is to get to know my friends and family better. The more I know the better I understand why they are the way they are and what truly matters to them.
Am I saying not to give gifts? No at all. Gifts are wonderful! Gift giving is a wonderful feeling as much as receiving. Just put thought into it.
Gift giving is only on the surface, what it boils down to is being honest with one another. So, as the song says, "What do you mean?".
The next verse that struck me is, "When you don't want me to move, but you tell me to go." Holy cow! This goes through my head daily.
I am in a constant battle with myself. Good vs. Evil. Especially when it comes to relationships. I am currently single mostly by choice and I have never been married. As a single parent, having a relationship comes after I take care of my child. While companionship would be nice, parenting comes first in my book.
So, my inner battle. When I have been in relationships, I totally push and pull myself and my lover. Yes, lover, because that is usually all it is. Again, this reverts back to taking the time to get to know someone. Yes, I feel it is wrong, but still do it. Hello, did I tell you I was a human too?
So, when I make choices I weigh the consequences. It's what we do as humans. If I do this what will happen? Will what will happen be that bad? If not, then the choice is made. Only it's not that simple. Just because the choice doesn't seem to have a bad consequence now doesn't mean it won't have one in the future. So, I pull someone close because I want companionship, friendship, acceptance, but then think, what about the future? Is this someone I want in my life for a few minutes or for long term? That's when I tell them to go.
Again, time to spend time (outside the bedroom) getting to know someone.
Next verse: "You're so indecisive of what I'm saying."
Indecisive? Moi? Never?
Wrong. Constantly. It causes me stress. I feel this is a part of learning how to be more confident. Confidence is a long standing life lesson I am still working on. I feel indecisiveness is a sign of weakness. If you can't make up your mind how will you ever live life? Stress causes mental and physical issues. I do believe it is a learned skill though. So I have to constantly work on it!
(Insert Commander Riker mentoring Wesley Crusher on how to be an away leader.)
Make a decision even if you think you may be wrong. If you are wrong, learn from it and move along like the stormtrooper says to. (Yes, totally mixed two fandoms to make my point.)
"Don't know if you're happy, or complaining. Don’t want for us to end, where do I start,
First you wanna go to the left and you want to turn right, Wanna argue all day, make love all night.
First you're up and you’re down and then between, Ohh I really want to know…What do you mean?"
Ugh, this one! So much this verse! My head spins from this kind of thinking. I do it all the time! Should I do this or should I do that? Not only do I succeed in driving myself crazy, but I am sure it drives others around me crazy too!
Not to mention, how annoying is it when you ask someone what they want to do and you get the same question back? I don't know, what do you want to do? Seriously? Make a decision people!
"You’re overprotective when I’m leaving, Trying to compromise but I can’t win, You wanna make a point but you keep preaching, You had me from the start won’t let this end"
This one is for the parenting side of me. I was an only child of a single mom until I was 12 and I am currently a single parent of a 12 year old daughter myself. Being overprotective comes with the territory and sometimes leaks over into other relationships, i. e. other family members, friends, boyfriends. My mother was overprotective with me and so I am twice as overprotective with my daughter.
My aunt recently had to pull me back when I went to check on my daughter in the bathroom. Mind you my daughter is 12 and stands 5'6". I am a mere 5'4". (And she is still growing!) My aunt told me, she will be fine. I am not worried about her or her bathroom habits. I am worried that someone will try to molest her in the bathroom. Extreme? Yes. Did I tell you I was a single mother without a boyfriend? Yes, I am a bit paranoid and overprotective. I also watch way too many crime stories on TV.
Now the next part about wanting to make a point but just keep preaching...I guess it's like this blog post. It has gone on an on, but does it really have a point? I feel like I am rambling on about nothing and I might just be.
Research, to give a good discussion we must do research. Don't just pick a topic and start ranting on it. Breath. Research. Restrain your emotions and discuss.
Now, on to more ramblings.
"Said you’re running out of time" "Better make up your mind"
Life is much too short to constantly be second guessing yourself. I know because I am now 39 and have second guessed myself my whole life. I recently moved from Texas to North Carolina. That was a huge decision to make, but I did it and I am living with my choice.
I had a bad day yesterday, but who doesn't have a bad day every now and again? You won't change unless you want to, right Biebs? And it will be on your own time. No one elses.
Kinda funny, how it took a 21-year-old pop star's song to make me think about these things. Thanks for the reality check, JB.
So, think about your words, actions, and inactions. "What do you mean?"
(May continue to update with more information related to my train of thought on this. Eh, work in progress.)
So, I got to thinking after listening to "What do you mean?" the new hit single by Justin Bieber, (Yes, I know. I feel like a total cougar.), how accurate the lyrics are in my life.
While Justin is talking about relationships and how men try to understand women, I look at it from a self point of view.
"When you nod your head yes, but you wanna say no." This speaks to me in volumes! I am the type of person that will say yes or take a gift just so I don't feel like I am being rude or mean to the person asking or giving something to me.
How fake is that of me? I was raised to be kind and understanding, so if someone offers you a gift and you don't take it, well, that is just plain rude! Think about it though, which is worse, taking a gift and regifting it/selling it or just putting it in storage somewhere.
Personally, if I found out I gave a gift to someone and they stuffed it in a closet somewhere or gave it away, I would feel like they didn't have the decency to be honest with me in the first place.
Now, how do you avoid this situation from both ends? Plain rudeness is not the answer. That will get you nowhere and cause hurt feelings.
I think some people buy gifts just to buy gifts. This is the problem. Rather than getting to know someone and what they like, they feel obligated to get a gift because of the occasion.
This is where life comes into play. We all know people. Some are close. Some are not so close. Our circle of friends varies in how much we allow each person to know us and also how much we put into the relationship to get to know the other person.
Am I saying let the whole world in on your life story? No. Believe me, I have skeletons in my closet I hope no one ever finds. Peeing in a bucket is nothing compared to what I have done, but that's for another blog. Thank God technology was not advanced enough to capture it.
The answer for me is to get to know my friends and family better. The more I know the better I understand why they are the way they are and what truly matters to them.
Am I saying not to give gifts? No at all. Gifts are wonderful! Gift giving is a wonderful feeling as much as receiving. Just put thought into it.
Gift giving is only on the surface, what it boils down to is being honest with one another. So, as the song says, "What do you mean?".
The next verse that struck me is, "When you don't want me to move, but you tell me to go." Holy cow! This goes through my head daily.
I am in a constant battle with myself. Good vs. Evil. Especially when it comes to relationships. I am currently single mostly by choice and I have never been married. As a single parent, having a relationship comes after I take care of my child. While companionship would be nice, parenting comes first in my book.
So, my inner battle. When I have been in relationships, I totally push and pull myself and my lover. Yes, lover, because that is usually all it is. Again, this reverts back to taking the time to get to know someone. Yes, I feel it is wrong, but still do it. Hello, did I tell you I was a human too?
So, when I make choices I weigh the consequences. It's what we do as humans. If I do this what will happen? Will what will happen be that bad? If not, then the choice is made. Only it's not that simple. Just because the choice doesn't seem to have a bad consequence now doesn't mean it won't have one in the future. So, I pull someone close because I want companionship, friendship, acceptance, but then think, what about the future? Is this someone I want in my life for a few minutes or for long term? That's when I tell them to go.
Again, time to spend time (outside the bedroom) getting to know someone.
Next verse: "You're so indecisive of what I'm saying."
Indecisive? Moi? Never?
Wrong. Constantly. It causes me stress. I feel this is a part of learning how to be more confident. Confidence is a long standing life lesson I am still working on. I feel indecisiveness is a sign of weakness. If you can't make up your mind how will you ever live life? Stress causes mental and physical issues. I do believe it is a learned skill though. So I have to constantly work on it!
(Insert Commander Riker mentoring Wesley Crusher on how to be an away leader.)
Make a decision even if you think you may be wrong. If you are wrong, learn from it and move along like the stormtrooper says to. (Yes, totally mixed two fandoms to make my point.)
"Don't know if you're happy, or complaining. Don’t want for us to end, where do I start,
First you wanna go to the left and you want to turn right, Wanna argue all day, make love all night.
First you're up and you’re down and then between, Ohh I really want to know…What do you mean?"
Ugh, this one! So much this verse! My head spins from this kind of thinking. I do it all the time! Should I do this or should I do that? Not only do I succeed in driving myself crazy, but I am sure it drives others around me crazy too!
Not to mention, how annoying is it when you ask someone what they want to do and you get the same question back? I don't know, what do you want to do? Seriously? Make a decision people!
"You’re overprotective when I’m leaving, Trying to compromise but I can’t win, You wanna make a point but you keep preaching, You had me from the start won’t let this end"
This one is for the parenting side of me. I was an only child of a single mom until I was 12 and I am currently a single parent of a 12 year old daughter myself. Being overprotective comes with the territory and sometimes leaks over into other relationships, i. e. other family members, friends, boyfriends. My mother was overprotective with me and so I am twice as overprotective with my daughter.
My aunt recently had to pull me back when I went to check on my daughter in the bathroom. Mind you my daughter is 12 and stands 5'6". I am a mere 5'4". (And she is still growing!) My aunt told me, she will be fine. I am not worried about her or her bathroom habits. I am worried that someone will try to molest her in the bathroom. Extreme? Yes. Did I tell you I was a single mother without a boyfriend? Yes, I am a bit paranoid and overprotective. I also watch way too many crime stories on TV.
Now the next part about wanting to make a point but just keep preaching...I guess it's like this blog post. It has gone on an on, but does it really have a point? I feel like I am rambling on about nothing and I might just be.
Research, to give a good discussion we must do research. Don't just pick a topic and start ranting on it. Breath. Research. Restrain your emotions and discuss.
Now, on to more ramblings.
"Said you’re running out of time" "Better make up your mind"
Life is much too short to constantly be second guessing yourself. I know because I am now 39 and have second guessed myself my whole life. I recently moved from Texas to North Carolina. That was a huge decision to make, but I did it and I am living with my choice.
I had a bad day yesterday, but who doesn't have a bad day every now and again? You won't change unless you want to, right Biebs? And it will be on your own time. No one elses.
Kinda funny, how it took a 21-year-old pop star's song to make me think about these things. Thanks for the reality check, JB.
So, think about your words, actions, and inactions. "What do you mean?"
(May continue to update with more information related to my train of thought on this. Eh, work in progress.)
Friday, September 04, 2015
One Month
I have succeeded in isolating myself. This was not intentional. My intent when moving was to create a better life for my daughter and myself. To be able to make more money to provide better for both of us. To become more independent.
I have only been here a month. In this first month I have done better in some things and still struggle with others. I know growth takes time. I have no patience. That is one of my many problems.
I want it now.
I see others succeeding and doing well. I know in my heart they worked hard and deserve the rewards of their hard work, but I find it hard to be happy for them like I should. It's not that I am not happy for them, it is that I am jealous of them.
I know, jealousy is horrible. I just can't see the big picture for myself.
I have too much idle time on my hands. I work nights and sleep during the day. There are times that I am by myself with nothing to do.
I tell myself to get up and exercise. To use this time wisely. Meditate, pray, do something! Instead, I sit and think of how hard it is to exercise and control what I eat.
I don't know how to meditate or pray without being selfish.
I am not struggling. We are in a good place. We are doing better.
Time, just all this idle time is driving me crazy!!!!!! Why can't I be happy?!?
Too much self-idolization. Too much self-doubt. Too much alone time.
No energy to do anything.
To be continued...
I have only been here a month. In this first month I have done better in some things and still struggle with others. I know growth takes time. I have no patience. That is one of my many problems.
I want it now.
I see others succeeding and doing well. I know in my heart they worked hard and deserve the rewards of their hard work, but I find it hard to be happy for them like I should. It's not that I am not happy for them, it is that I am jealous of them.
I know, jealousy is horrible. I just can't see the big picture for myself.
I have too much idle time on my hands. I work nights and sleep during the day. There are times that I am by myself with nothing to do.
I tell myself to get up and exercise. To use this time wisely. Meditate, pray, do something! Instead, I sit and think of how hard it is to exercise and control what I eat.
I don't know how to meditate or pray without being selfish.
I am not struggling. We are in a good place. We are doing better.
Time, just all this idle time is driving me crazy!!!!!! Why can't I be happy?!?
Too much self-idolization. Too much self-doubt. Too much alone time.
No energy to do anything.
To be continued...
Thursday, August 09, 2012
Worry Wort
I worry incessantly. Especially about offending my friends. Perhaps it is because I feel like if I disagree with them I will lose them as a friend. Now you will probably say that if they stop being my friend because we disagree then they weren't really a friend at all.
I worry about this because I have done it myself. I have stopped talking to someone who I felt was very aggressive and who I disagreed with. I know better now and I do encourage my friends to be themselves around me. I even suggest that we agree to disagree at times.
I am also worried about upsetting my friends. I feel that I disappointed one of them recently even though I feel that I was right in my decision. Speaking my mind is difficult for me to do. While I feel that I am getting better about it, I still hesitate if I think it will affect my friendships.
I worry about this because I have done it myself. I have stopped talking to someone who I felt was very aggressive and who I disagreed with. I know better now and I do encourage my friends to be themselves around me. I even suggest that we agree to disagree at times.
I am also worried about upsetting my friends. I feel that I disappointed one of them recently even though I feel that I was right in my decision. Speaking my mind is difficult for me to do. While I feel that I am getting better about it, I still hesitate if I think it will affect my friendships.
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Starting Over...
When I get a new job I always feel like I have the chance to start over. No one knows me. I am create a "new" me. This time with my new job allowing me to work from home having to create a new me isn't really necessary. Yes, I will be in video chat with my teammates and manager at times, but I don't have to worry about what my fellow co-workers are thinking about me. Not that I ever should worry about that, but when working in an office atmosphere appearance can be an issue.
This time I want to impress me. What can I do to improve my quality of life? How can I show myself that I have the self discipline to work from home? I want to set some goals, weight loss maybe; after all there's no need to go out and get something at lunch when the kitchen is right there behind me.
Keeping my house clean which is something I struggle with. Keeping my office clean hasn't really been an issue. Now to transfer that office cleanliness to my home. I am doing better, but I need to keep it up.
Life is good right now. I am working on me. I am showing myself that I can and will accomplish my goals.
Thank you Lord for giving me this wonderful life!
This time I want to impress me. What can I do to improve my quality of life? How can I show myself that I have the self discipline to work from home? I want to set some goals, weight loss maybe; after all there's no need to go out and get something at lunch when the kitchen is right there behind me.
Keeping my house clean which is something I struggle with. Keeping my office clean hasn't really been an issue. Now to transfer that office cleanliness to my home. I am doing better, but I need to keep it up.
Life is good right now. I am working on me. I am showing myself that I can and will accomplish my goals.
Thank you Lord for giving me this wonderful life!
Friday, July 20, 2012
The movies will never be the same.
I woke up about 30 mins ago due to disturbing images of my gma's cadaver
repeating in my head. I just couldn't shake them. I open FB to find out
some lunatic has opened fire at a movie theater in CO?!? This night has
really disturbed me to tears, literally.
8/9/12
An update: The day after I wrote this I went to the movies and it didn't even phase me to sit in the theater. I realized this while we were at the theater. My sense of security wasn't breeched. I must admit it bothered me that I wasn't as cautious as I felt I should have been.
Heavenly
Father, I do not know why these things happen. What lesson can we
possibly learn from such travesties? Father, please send the Holy Spirit
to comfort the people affected by this shooting. Heal the victims
wounds both physically and mentally. Be with them Father, comfort their
anguish, and wipe away their tears. Be with the shooter as well Father. I
know vengeance is yours Lord. You will decide his fate and I leave my
feelings of hatred in your hands father. Guide your sheep to safety,
thank you Father. In your son Jesus Christ's name. Amen.
8/9/12
An update: The day after I wrote this I went to the movies and it didn't even phase me to sit in the theater. I realized this while we were at the theater. My sense of security wasn't breeched. I must admit it bothered me that I wasn't as cautious as I felt I should have been.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Good Morning! Well, not really...
Any morning that I have to fight with my nine year old daughter to get out of bed and get dressed is never a good morning. I try to keep my cool, but after repeating myself over and over again I am at a loss and all heck breaks loose. I know I am the one who has control over the situation. I just don't know what to do to get her to listen to me. I don't like having to negotiate with her. Whether that be if you don't do this you won't get to do this or go there or coax her out of bed with a prize. I don't know how my mom and grandmother did it, but when I was told to do something I did it.
Ground, spanking, harsh talkings to, they just don't seem to work. How do I teach her that she needs to get up and get dressed without my help and when I tell her the first time? I am trying to teach her life skills here. She needs to know she needs to get up in a timely manner so she isn't late for school and doesn't make me late for work.
Grounding her is like grounding myself. If I say no tv that means I can't watch tv either because our tv is in our living room. Sending her to her room? I feel like a prison guard.
What it all comes down to is that in order for her to obey and listen I have to put her on a daily routine which means I have to be on a daily routine. I don't like routines. I want to get up, get dressed, and be out the door.
Putting a routine together takes time and planning. I don't like either of those. I don't want to lay out clothes the night before no matter how many times my own mother tells me that it will make things easier in the morning. Maybe it is because she is the one suggesting it?
Even at 35 yrs old I don't want to listen to my mother. See, my daughter isn't the problem it is me. In order for my daughter to improve her behavior I have to improve mine. So, routine, you and I need to have a talk and get our lives in sync with one another.
How about tonight say about 6 pm? Good, it is settled then. See you tonight as we make dinner together.
Ground, spanking, harsh talkings to, they just don't seem to work. How do I teach her that she needs to get up and get dressed without my help and when I tell her the first time? I am trying to teach her life skills here. She needs to know she needs to get up in a timely manner so she isn't late for school and doesn't make me late for work.
Grounding her is like grounding myself. If I say no tv that means I can't watch tv either because our tv is in our living room. Sending her to her room? I feel like a prison guard.
What it all comes down to is that in order for her to obey and listen I have to put her on a daily routine which means I have to be on a daily routine. I don't like routines. I want to get up, get dressed, and be out the door.
Putting a routine together takes time and planning. I don't like either of those. I don't want to lay out clothes the night before no matter how many times my own mother tells me that it will make things easier in the morning. Maybe it is because she is the one suggesting it?
Even at 35 yrs old I don't want to listen to my mother. See, my daughter isn't the problem it is me. In order for my daughter to improve her behavior I have to improve mine. So, routine, you and I need to have a talk and get our lives in sync with one another.
How about tonight say about 6 pm? Good, it is settled then. See you tonight as we make dinner together.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Way too early
6:20 am Their front doors open they step out onto the shared walk way together. They look into each other's eyes. She takes the stairs first and he follows. He asked her name and what kind of work she does. She asks his name and he...thinks about it for a moment? Um, er, Jose, he tells her.
She shakes his hand and continues on to walk the dog. As she is coming back in from walking the dog Jose is coming back out of his apartment. She asks, you forget something? Yes, his coffee. Then tries to hand her the corner of a piece of paper with his number written on it. He says, call me tonight. Oh! No, thank you and puts up her hand to say stop. He seems surprised, but not has surprised as she who can't fathom why he would be giving her his number after the brief niceties they exchanged.
Seriously?!? While I should be flattered I am a bit unnerved. Maybe it is because almost every person who lives in that apartment as several migrant workers live there has hit on me. There's no sincerity. I would much rather anyone I randomly meet get to know me for awhile before we exchange numbers.
I will say he has moxy to think that I would give him a call after our brief introduction.
She shakes his hand and continues on to walk the dog. As she is coming back in from walking the dog Jose is coming back out of his apartment. She asks, you forget something? Yes, his coffee. Then tries to hand her the corner of a piece of paper with his number written on it. He says, call me tonight. Oh! No, thank you and puts up her hand to say stop. He seems surprised, but not has surprised as she who can't fathom why he would be giving her his number after the brief niceties they exchanged.
Seriously?!? While I should be flattered I am a bit unnerved. Maybe it is because almost every person who lives in that apartment as several migrant workers live there has hit on me. There's no sincerity. I would much rather anyone I randomly meet get to know me for awhile before we exchange numbers.
I will say he has moxy to think that I would give him a call after our brief introduction.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tap, Tap
Is this thing on? Gosh this poor little blog just doesn't get enough love. Must figure out a way to remedy that.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Useless Dribble
My mind is full of questions I cannot answer. My body is full of feelings I cannot understand. Lines are drawn that I dare not cross. Restrictions are set not to be questioned. Answers are cryptic if any at all. Love is non existant & has no meaning. Thoughts are scattered falling into pieces drowning in the tear-filled puddles stealing the air from my lungs. Speaking aloud is not acceptable. Inside is crumbling under the pressure of the outside trying to be hard as stone. Laid open for all to see but no one looks passed the reflection in the glass.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Intelligence
I have never considered myself a very intelligent person. Mainly because I hated reading and writing in school. I wish my parents had instilled in me the love of reading they did in my little sisters. They love to read and they read all the time.
I used to read only for pleasure and it had to be an action adventure book. These days I yearn for knowledge. I want desperately to learn more and get more from what I read rather than just scanning over meaningless dribble.
I also want to be able to hold a meaningful insightful conversation. I feel dumb as rocks sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) when I am at a social gathering and cannot respond intelligently enough to keep the conversation going or merely contribute to the conversation. I tend to listen and try to absorb everything I hear in these types of situations.
I feel like a bubble head. I feel like a dummy sitting there staring into space because I am too uneducated to understand what is being said.
I want to learn more. I am at the point where mediocre is no longer acceptable. I am starving for more. Not only for myself but for my daughter's sake as well. I want to teach her everything I can and I can't do that without expanding my horizons.
Not only do I want to increase my book knowledge but I want to expand my life knowledge. I want to create something like a bucket list. Create a list of books and activities that I haven't read or done and scratch them off each time a read the book or do the activity.
It's time to make a list...
I used to read only for pleasure and it had to be an action adventure book. These days I yearn for knowledge. I want desperately to learn more and get more from what I read rather than just scanning over meaningless dribble.
I also want to be able to hold a meaningful insightful conversation. I feel dumb as rocks sometimes (ok, a lot of the time) when I am at a social gathering and cannot respond intelligently enough to keep the conversation going or merely contribute to the conversation. I tend to listen and try to absorb everything I hear in these types of situations.
I feel like a bubble head. I feel like a dummy sitting there staring into space because I am too uneducated to understand what is being said.
I want to learn more. I am at the point where mediocre is no longer acceptable. I am starving for more. Not only for myself but for my daughter's sake as well. I want to teach her everything I can and I can't do that without expanding my horizons.
Not only do I want to increase my book knowledge but I want to expand my life knowledge. I want to create something like a bucket list. Create a list of books and activities that I haven't read or done and scratch them off each time a read the book or do the activity.
It's time to make a list...
Monday, March 23, 2009
Content
I think for once in my life I can actually say I am content with my life. I can really say it and mean it. Sure, I still have wants and desires that I yearn for, but not having them doesn't affect my day to day living like it used to. I have a great job I absolutely love. I am going to school and while finding the motivation to get my homework done is quite difficult at times I have a long term goal set and I feel that I am on my way to accomplishing it. My daughter is doing well after everything she has had to go through this year with her adenoidectomy & then the major dental work she had to have done. She is quite the trooper. She is doing ok in school and with more one on one time with me in the evenings helping her with her homework I know she will end the school year with flying colors.
I am very satisfied with my life right now. I am looking into possibly buying a house this year and taking a trip to Disney at the end of the year for Christmas. I've met some wonderful new people this year and have learned to cherish all my friendships no matter how little my communication with them may be. I've reunited with some old friends and started up new friendships as well. I feel full without feeling stuffed. I am very happy with how things are going in my life right now. Good things are on the horizon and I can see a light at the end of my tunnel.
I chose the path I am walking, but all of the elements surrounding and along my path are what have made me stronger, wiser, and more in tune with my true self. Discovering who I truly am and realizing my full potential is a very enlightening experience.
I am very satisfied with my life right now. I am looking into possibly buying a house this year and taking a trip to Disney at the end of the year for Christmas. I've met some wonderful new people this year and have learned to cherish all my friendships no matter how little my communication with them may be. I've reunited with some old friends and started up new friendships as well. I feel full without feeling stuffed. I am very happy with how things are going in my life right now. Good things are on the horizon and I can see a light at the end of my tunnel.
I chose the path I am walking, but all of the elements surrounding and along my path are what have made me stronger, wiser, and more in tune with my true self. Discovering who I truly am and realizing my full potential is a very enlightening experience.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
It's not over
The world has got me so confused
Lord what am I do to do
I’m beaten, broken, I am bruised
I need you
What is happening to me
There’s nothing else that I can see
And I am falling at your feet
I need you
And I am listening Lord speak to me
I am listening you are saying
It’s not over it’s not over I have my plans
Won’t you take them won’t you give up
You can let go you are stronger
You belong to me
I’m awaken by your mercy Lord but I need your grace once more
I am knocking on your door
I need you
But what is happening to me
Somehow I can finally see how you are redeeming me
I feel you
Oh I am listening Lord speak to me
I am listening you’re saying
I am listening Lord speak to me
I am listening you are saying
It’s not over it’s not over I have my plans won’t you take them
Don’t you give up you can let go
You are stronger
You belong to me
Won’t you find won’t you find yourself in me
I can show I can show you what you can be
Open your heart and you will see
You belong to me
Cause it’s not over it’s not over
I have my plans won’t you take them
Don’t you give up you can let go
You are stronger
You belong to me
It’s not over it’s not over
You have your plans I will take them
I won’t give up I can let go
I am stronger
I belong to you
Lord what am I do to do
I’m beaten, broken, I am bruised
I need you
What is happening to me
There’s nothing else that I can see
And I am falling at your feet
I need you
And I am listening Lord speak to me
I am listening you are saying
It’s not over it’s not over I have my plans
Won’t you take them won’t you give up
You can let go you are stronger
You belong to me
I’m awaken by your mercy Lord but I need your grace once more
I am knocking on your door
I need you
But what is happening to me
Somehow I can finally see how you are redeeming me
I feel you
Oh I am listening Lord speak to me
I am listening you’re saying
I am listening Lord speak to me
I am listening you are saying
It’s not over it’s not over I have my plans won’t you take them
Don’t you give up you can let go
You are stronger
You belong to me
Won’t you find won’t you find yourself in me
I can show I can show you what you can be
Open your heart and you will see
You belong to me
Cause it’s not over it’s not over
I have my plans won’t you take them
Don’t you give up you can let go
You are stronger
You belong to me
It’s not over it’s not over
You have your plans I will take them
I won’t give up I can let go
I am stronger
I belong to you
Ramblings
Tick, tick, tick...like the sound of a time bomb counting down, her heart beat in her chest.
Raging streams of salt water rushed down her face.
Echoing screams filled the air and then there was silence. Not the absence of sound, just a cold silence.
Raging streams of salt water rushed down her face.
Echoing screams filled the air and then there was silence. Not the absence of sound, just a cold silence.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Well, well, well
It has been sometime since I have updated this blog. Seems that life is rolling over me like a steam roller right now. I feel like I should be acting like an adult in the sense that I need to have an organizer and have every minute of my day planned out. I have so much to do and I don't know how to get it all done. I take that back I do know how to get it done, but it is going to take a whole lot of self discipline which I don't have. I keep telling myself to sit down and get my work done, but something always distracts me. I don't have ADD or whatever it is called. I'm just not motivated to complete my work. I have to find something to motivate me. I don't want to mess up the good things I have going because I am being lazy.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Ziplock Ice Cream
My daughter and I just made ziplock ice cream! It was so good and fun to make! We had a blast and really enjoyed sharing the ice cream! Next time maybe we will add strawberries to the mix! Yum!
1/2 Cup Milk (doesn't matter what kind)
1 Tbsp. Sugar
1/4 Tsp. Vanilla (you can try other flavors)
Directions:
Add these to a pint size Ziplock freezer bag and zip shut. Place that bag in a larger (quart or bigger) Ziplock bag. Add ice to fill bag 1/2 way, plus 6 tablespoons salt (rock or regular). Zip that one shut and shake, turn, toss and mix the bag. In about 5-10 minutes you will have cold hands and yummy ice cream!
We shook it up about 10 mins for thicker ice cream rather than creamier ice cream.
1/2 Cup Milk (doesn't matter what kind)
1 Tbsp. Sugar
1/4 Tsp. Vanilla (you can try other flavors)
Directions:
Add these to a pint size Ziplock freezer bag and zip shut. Place that bag in a larger (quart or bigger) Ziplock bag. Add ice to fill bag 1/2 way, plus 6 tablespoons salt (rock or regular). Zip that one shut and shake, turn, toss and mix the bag. In about 5-10 minutes you will have cold hands and yummy ice cream!
We shook it up about 10 mins for thicker ice cream rather than creamier ice cream.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, July 04, 2008
Well, my 4th of July was less than eventful...
I have been watching the Law & Order marathon and doing laundry. While it's not what I wanted to do today, it is an accomplishment. My laundry was getting way out of hand. Having it done makes me feel good. Now what to do with the evening. I thought about finding a place to watch the fireworks, but I really don't feel like driving around in bumper to bumper traffic trying to find a good spot. So, it looks like we will be staying home and watching the fireworks on tv or stepping out on the front porch to see if we can catch a glimpse of them over the roof tops.
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